fear of faith

faith terrifies me.
real faith.
utter trust.
i am so frightfully independent,
afraid of the cost of faith.
i know the truth.
my reason knows reason cannot be irrational.
my heart knows a desire unmatched in this world.
my spirit has felt His touch.
my eyes have seen His work.
my ears have heard others testify.
reason, desire, experience, sight, hearing.
but faith is a step beyond.
it is trust with self-abandon.
i want to have such strong faith
that the truth i know would be deeply and regularly real.
what i desire terrifies me.
my faith feels so weak.
i have not what i desire, what i fear.
have i some secret wish for weak faith?
do i pray in earnest when i ask for strong faith?
knowledge will never take me past fear to the faith i desire.
only perfect love can drive out the fear.
such love can only be a gift.
grace.
if i can accept it.
God help me, and forgive me.