to my Lord and Savior

come.
please, please, come.
it feels like all is wrong because you're not here.
my heart is screaming, screaming.
i want to look in your eyes
and know you understand.
i know you understand,
but i want to look in your eyes and know it.
i want a hug.
oh God, for even a word my ears could hear.
like this world,
i'm such a mess.
i know you're working on it,
but there's so much to be done.
and i'm tired
of faith
of hope
of love only my heart and mind can feel.
you've given me so many other ways to feel,
i long to feel that love with every atom and every thought.
come, Lord.
rule here
in me,
in this place.
i've heard you are making me new
and this place too,
but the waiting is so hard.
and i'm scared of praying for patience.
i know you're not a microwave
or a vending machine,
but Daddy,
you said you give good gifts to those who ask!
i read that in a book i'm pretty inclined to trust.
you being here would be a very good gift.
why not give that now?
if the timing is so wrong,
can i negogiate for something less?
will you instead
give my son a kiss from me
and tell him his earthly father loves him lots.
that'd mean a lot to me.
i know you love him more than me,
but i still wish he were here.
of course,
i know you're a dad,
so you don't need a gift in exchange
for the ones i'm asking of you.
you already gave me all i have
and don't need anything anyway.
so i guess i'll just remind us both that
i'm yours.
whether you come now or later
or even never (please not never!),
i love you.
even when i don't know why.
i just do.
i guess that's a gift from you too.
so, thanks.
a lot.
i mean that.

-me

under grace

there's a restless longing resting in my heart
where the weakest whisper tears my strength apart
and it's whispering today
all the words i need to say
but i walled the whisper in right from the start

there is a word that can't be captured on a page
where the strongest words still decay and age
and i hear it in my soul
where a sound could tear a hole
in paper castles that i worked so hard to raise

there is a freedom that only chains can give
when temptation always tells me how to live
and it could be that fear
never had much power here
and it is mercy that pulls me to my knees

there is a melody that only love can sing
when beloved lacks the ears and eyes to see
and i think it might be why
all men are born to die
and a death might just be the sweetest thing

there's a restless longing stirring in my heart
where the weakest whisper tears my strength apart
and it's whispering today
all the words i long to say
oh lord, please let that singing start
oh lord, please sing into my heart

dreams

tonight the hardest part of leaving
is letting all the old scars go
the mud below my feet is reaching
to pull me down, swallow me whole

i'm staring now at the horizon
the promise of a further shore
hope was not what i had hoped it would be
it's hard to hope in love alone

dreams
our bittersweet melodies
release
twisted notions of the way things ought to be

twenty years i have been knocking
i will wait for twenty more
he said contentment is for nothing
if you long for nothing more

to be content is not not wanting
i long for something more

the door

september morning and i'm running for the door
there's a place out there i know i've got to go
woke up this morning to a whisper in my head
it said, "hey, this is what you've been waiting for"

so i'm running, yes i'm running for that door

been here a lifetime but never felt at home
i've not yet been to the place that i belong
it's not a question of where i lay my head
i just know there must be something more

so i'm running, yes i'm running for that door
because there must be, there must be something more

i've had this feeling ever since i was a child
a deep awareness that i was not alone
there is this longing haunting my repose
for a symphony this world cannot perform

so i'm running, yes i'm running for that door
and i am longing, longing for that song

and when i'm gone i am not coming back again
tomorrow calls me and it's calling me to live
a life that lasts for more than just today
time to set my sights on a higher place

september morning and i'm running for the door
there's a place out there i know i've got to go
woke up this morning to a screaming in my ears
it said, "hey, this is what you've been waiting for"

there are better things

today is beautiful. the sky is blue. the air is cool and crisp. the sunrise was inspired.
i sit in a cubicle today. i work at a computer. i write words few will read. i am uninspired.
there are better things in this life.
she is sleeping. she is beautiful. she breaks my heart. she is inspiration.
there are better things in this life.
it is the little things that get to me.
the little squeaky noises she makes when she stretches, yawning and tired.
the inflection of her happy greeting.
the stray brown curls above her ears that defy her control.
her smile. her compassion. her laugh.
her eyes break me.
are there better things in this life?
my mind says yes. the rest of me weeps in defiance.
could i love another so?
perhaps.
i have never felt this way before.
who am i to declare such a thing eternal?
but i would.
give me a crown and call me the king of fools, i would.
it wouldn't be my first mistake.
i insist it would not be my last.
there are better things in this life.
and beyond.
the flesh is temporary. emotion is fleeting.
lust is a drug. its promises are vicious lies.
infatuation is fuel. it burns hot and fades. it will always fade.
but oh, the heat!
love is...
...a decision.
love is the movement.
my love, say the word and i will move.
my Lord, say the word and i will leave it all.
but the silence is my agony.
here is my unrepentant desire.
i am the deaf boy.
and still i listen to the voices of the blind men.
i long for music. i crave her smile.
i crave her smile.
there are better things.