...of homework and stress.

i am experiencing a critical lack of motivation tonight.
and it tarries still unfazed by impending deadlines
and unstirred by self-caffeination,
foreboding and grim in its determination to procrastinate.

in other words, i am so ready to be done with this semester.

two papers due tomorrow.
it's 11:20pm.
i've started writing neither.
instead, i'm writing this blog entry.

pathetic.

dreams vs days

here in the muddle of tired and busy days
i can feel dreams and reality collide
it is a sad sound,
striving to steal all hope and joy
a fool i would be to let it!
for true life has the greater beauty
by which painless dreams pale to compare.
for a joy devoid of all meaning
soon retreats before boredom's onset
and a hope that never proves true
was naught but empty longing.
and how much darker, then,
is pain or fear in our fantasies.
but in the realm of real things,
even a pain, having either purpose or end,
may be found beautiful in the end.
and fear can vanish in the light of time.
how much greater, then,
is a meaningful joy and a sure hope!
so i will believe that a dream lost
is truly no loss at all,
and every dream found true
is counted as sweet surprise.
the Lord is on His throne;
i'll fear not the unfolding of days,
tired and busy though they be.

silence

silence is not hearing what you long to hear.
and it is what it is, whatever the reason.
whether you can't hear it or no one will say it.
my life is noisy and full of silence.
desperate one-sided conversations.
mournful questions whispered to deaf ears.
i need a word.
i pray but i can't hear him.
how can a man know if he is deaf,
when he doesn't know what it is to hear?
i don't know what it is to hear him.
and because i do not hear him,
i crave other voices to speak the word.
but they don't.
or they can't.
or i can't hear them either.
i am trapped in skin and neurons.
pounding at the walls.
begging to be set free.
or have some company.
Jesus, are you in here?
please speak, i'm trying to hear you.

scars

the old scars quiver and burn tonight.
at a touch they remember.
they remember all i try to forget.
i could shelter and cradle and guard these old wounds.
protect myself from the pain of memory.
but the effort would cripple me.
and never let me use these limbs.
the muscles would atrophy.
the bones would weaken.
the pain would be less.
but the injury far greater.
yet if i use these limbs.
and risk the pain.
the scars may in time fade.
maybe.
but tonight,
they won't let me forget.

take me down

take me down tonight
i realize it's time
to give up the fight
for control of my life

i can't do this anymore
everytime i trip me to the floor
the same old roads
i travel whenever i'm alone

and i feel alone here
trying to escape from myself
but where can i run to
where i would be somebody else

so take me down tonight
i'm tired of asking, "Jesus, why?"
well maybe next time
i will finally get this right

won't you please save me
take me outside of myself
won't you please change me
i wanna love more than myself

under grace

there's a restless longing resting in my heart
where the weakest whisper tears my strength apart
and it's whispering today
all the words i need to say
but i walled the whisper in right from the start

there is a word that can't be captured on a page
where the strongest words still decay and age
and i hear it in my soul
where a sound could tear a hole
in paper castles that i worked so hard to raise

there is a freedom that only chains can give
when temptation always tells me how to live
and it could be that fear
never had much power here
and it is mercy that pulls me to my knees

there is a melody that only love can sing
when beloved lacks the ears and eyes to see
and i think it might be why
all men are born to die
and a death might just be the sweetest thing

there's a restless longing stirring in my heart
where the weakest whisper tears my strength apart
and it's whispering today
all the words i long to say
oh lord, please let that singing start
oh lord, please sing into my heart

a prayer

Lord, you are my gracious King
you've heard me cry, you've heard me sing
now once again i lift to you
this simple prayer

i know i am a sinful man
with unclean lips and unclean hands
yet you have taken me from death
into life


so help me live as your child
a holy temple, a blushing bride
help me love you as i should
until the day that you return

may your people be as one
may your will on earth be done
though we long for kingdom come
we are living here


open our hearts, open our hands
to live out love and take a stand
to show the grace, to show the truth
that is found in you

and i know that we are not
perfect yet, living in this flesh
but in our weakness you are strong
new life has begun


Lord, i would rather have you be
not what i want but what i need
so take my heart and set my gaze
on you

and may i be a light within
this dark world of hurt and sin
though i know it's not my home
i am living here


help me trust you like a child
unafraid to laugh, unafraid to cry
and hold on tightly to my hand
when i don't understand

Lord, you are a loving King
you hear me cry, you hear me sing
so once again i lift to you
this simple prayer