love

i don't love her because i want to be with her
i want to be with her because i love her

i don't want a deeper relationship so that she'll be my friend, girlfriend, or wife
i want her to be my friend, girlfriend, or wife so we'll have a deeper relationship

i don't love her because she's given me some reason to hope
i have hope for these things only because i love her

the love is first
Love is always first
He's the only reason i have
He's the only reason for any true love

Lord, keep me true to love
don't let the pain turn me in upon myself

let my life be worship

Lord, here i come to Your presence again
crying "mercy!" oh Lord, it's Your mercy I need."
forgiven and amazed, i fall
at Your feet crying "holy, holy!"

time and time again, You've welcomed me in,
picked me up, and covered my sin.
You, my God, are Creator and King
of all that i am and all that i'll be

Lord, let my life be a worship to You
let my steps beat a song of praise
to praise Your name, no words do i need
so let my life be the melody

Lord, You're faithful to do
what You've promised to do
so i know that You're making me new
crucified for my sin, Lord You died.
now, in You, i believe i'm alive

the worst of silence

as ever, her silence speaks to me in soft and painful whispers, saying all i wish i didn't hear, ever gnawing upon the edges of my soul. oh, for apathy! to shed the very burden of care and be free! but is this not the most fearsome risk of love? not hate nor rejection in turn, but rather, to be ignored by one pervading your daily thoughts? the distance from hate to love was ne'er so far as that from either to nothing! to think how it must pain God that we, His beloved creation, so oft choose to live not even in open rebellion, but as though He did not even exist! is there any rebellion more subtle and insidious? any rejection more cruel and utter? to deny the very being of He who created us, loves us and gives us all is surely an odious sin! do not, then, wonder that God should send such men out of His presence into eternal hell. indeed, is that not where they have sought to be?

there are better things

today is beautiful. the sky is blue. the air is cool and crisp. the sunrise was inspired.
i sit in a cubicle today. i work at a computer. i write words few will read. i am uninspired.
there are better things in this life.
she is sleeping. she is beautiful. she breaks my heart. she is inspiration.
there are better things in this life.
it is the little things that get to me.
the little squeaky noises she makes when she stretches, yawning and tired.
the inflection of her happy greeting.
the stray brown curls above her ears that defy her control.
her smile. her compassion. her laugh.
her eyes break me.
are there better things in this life?
my mind says yes. the rest of me weeps in defiance.
could i love another so?
perhaps.
i have never felt this way before.
who am i to declare such a thing eternal?
but i would.
give me a crown and call me the king of fools, i would.
it wouldn't be my first mistake.
i insist it would not be my last.
there are better things in this life.
and beyond.
the flesh is temporary. emotion is fleeting.
lust is a drug. its promises are vicious lies.
infatuation is fuel. it burns hot and fades. it will always fade.
but oh, the heat!
love is...
...a decision.
love is the movement.
my love, say the word and i will move.
my Lord, say the word and i will leave it all.
but the silence is my agony.
here is my unrepentant desire.
i am the deaf boy.
and still i listen to the voices of the blind men.
i long for music. i crave her smile.
i crave her smile.
there are better things.

i got a job

Well, i took a job yesterday.
...wow.
life is overwhelming and it's been like this for years.
just when i'm beginning to adjust, it's time to move on.
i try to step outside myself every once in a while;
i try to find some perspective.
i suppose you could say that i'm looking for the big picture.
it amazes me how life is at once fantastically long and terribly short.
i find the feeling indescribable,
and so it should be.
who would presume to describe a life in any phrase shorter than the years?
i could not justly biograph a single moment were i to spend a life trying.
and i certainly don't have the time for that.
in no less than a week i will begin a career.
i was confronted by insurmountable opportunities.
so, i made a choice.
i decided to take a job offer yesterday.
...wow.
i'll admit it,
i'm scared.
just like that, i made a decision.
it was not based on knowledge, guidance, nor intuition.
i made the decision because a decision had to be made.
that's not why it scares me.
every decision we make,
from the drastic to the trivial,
reverberates until our dying breath,
and many are made on far less input.
why should this one scare me?
i know.
...at least i think i do.
i fear that i will want to be elsewhere.
and the worst of it,
is that i would feel this way regardless of where i decided to be.
because what i long for has little to do with geography.

fervently

well it's 8:10 on a tuesday night
and i'm rummaging thru the pieces of my life
i'm looking for direction
or an answer to the questions on my mind

lord, i don't know where i'm going
i can't see where you're taking me this time
but you said that if i seek you
then i will surely find out in due time

so i will seek you fervently
i'll forsake this world for eternal things
in you i find myself complete
so i seek you... fervently

so now it's 9 o'clock on tuesday
and still i'm feeling mostly undefined
i've heard the voices on the tv
say the answer is in me, myself, and i

but i know that there is more than this
this flesh and bone, this life i live
in you alone, i find my place
i'm not my own, i live only by grace

fervently, fervently, fervently, seeking after thee

and i know that when i seek you
i will surely find you
because you're seeking after me...
fervently, fervently, you're seeking after me

praying to be silent

would that i could remain silent in my prayers.
so often (always?), i am speaking or thinking.
i don't know how to be quiet--
how to listen and let God speak.
i fear that i will never learn.
as nature abhors a vacuum,
so my mind abhors silence.
and i'm not sure why.
so i listen little and talk much.
and ever do i pray for God to speak--
to just butt in and interrupt my reckless train of thought.
it would not be rude, but merciful.
my ever-wandering mind is oft a burden on my heart,
and it starves my soul for silence.
even to concentrate on but one little thing is a bear,
for either sleep comes rushing in
or else my restless mind continually strays to other worlds.
idle thoughts are no less troublesome than idle hands.
indeed, they are often more so.