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do you ever feel like you're on the edge?
like everything could change in a heartbeat
and the world will never be the same?
i feel it--
that intuition that this isn't it.
the road i'm on will not be my path for long or forever.
i feel so very... temporary.
there's something more;
i just can't see it yet.
the change will come one day, maybe soon.
either the world will change or i will.
and if i change, i might just change the world.
i am almost becoming who i am,
who He's made me to be.
i've been cracked.
i've been broken.
i've been shaken to the core.
but i'm not free yet.
one of these days, i'll flap my wings.
i feel closest to it
when i sing,
when i write,
when i stare at the sky,
or look in her eyes.
and i know He's there.
and i know there's a reason.
though i may never have the words,
i know there's a reason.
each heartbeat is for more than the next.
life's more than just living.
else why is there Love?

in Your hands

whom have i in heaven but you?
who on earth can lift my soul?
where can i go that you aren't there?
i know you hear my every prayer

i wasn't there when you made the heavens
there's so much here that i don't know
my faith has not yet moved a mountain
but your love still calls me home

i'm in your hands
i'm in your plans
it's all that i can do
to rest in this
in your goodness
for you make all things new

i don't why you have made these things
this world of grief and joy
please make me what makes your heart sing
i want to be a joyful noise

there's mystery and majesty in all that speaks of you
i'll always strive to understand
and even if i never do
still i will trust in you

short but tall

there's a weariness in my soul.
it draws my head down and tugs at my eyelids.
the cares of this world.
my cross.
hardly a cross by many measures,
but the only one i've known.
still it won't break me.
it can't.
and that by no strength of mine.
there is steel in me yet not me.
it is a wondrous thing.
to know He's there.
to feel Him.
there's a laughter there.
at the end of me i find a strange laughter in my chest.
it is good.
strong.
sure.
have you ever stood at the edge of a high cliff,
looked down,
and realized the immensity of the ground beneath your feet?
the unmoving strength of stone and earth that holds you so high?
stand there.
rest on that foundation.
enjoy the view.
and laugh.
like a child on daddy's shoulders.
short but tall.
weak but strong.
the weight's not yours to bear alone.

love

i don't love her because i want to be with her
i want to be with her because i love her

i don't want a deeper relationship so that she'll be my friend, girlfriend, or wife
i want her to be my friend, girlfriend, or wife so we'll have a deeper relationship

i don't love her because she's given me some reason to hope
i have hope for these things only because i love her

the love is first
Love is always first
He's the only reason i have
He's the only reason for any true love

Lord, keep me true to love
don't let the pain turn me in upon myself

let my life be worship

Lord, here i come to Your presence again
crying "mercy!" oh Lord, it's Your mercy I need."
forgiven and amazed, i fall
at Your feet crying "holy, holy!"

time and time again, You've welcomed me in,
picked me up, and covered my sin.
You, my God, are Creator and King
of all that i am and all that i'll be

Lord, let my life be a worship to You
let my steps beat a song of praise
to praise Your name, no words do i need
so let my life be the melody

Lord, You're faithful to do
what You've promised to do
so i know that You're making me new
crucified for my sin, Lord You died.
now, in You, i believe i'm alive

the worst of silence

as ever, her silence speaks to me in soft and painful whispers, saying all i wish i didn't hear, ever gnawing upon the edges of my soul. oh, for apathy! to shed the very burden of care and be free! but is this not the most fearsome risk of love? not hate nor rejection in turn, but rather, to be ignored by one pervading your daily thoughts? the distance from hate to love was ne'er so far as that from either to nothing! to think how it must pain God that we, His beloved creation, so oft choose to live not even in open rebellion, but as though He did not even exist! is there any rebellion more subtle and insidious? any rejection more cruel and utter? to deny the very being of He who created us, loves us and gives us all is surely an odious sin! do not, then, wonder that God should send such men out of His presence into eternal hell. indeed, is that not where they have sought to be?

there are better things

today is beautiful. the sky is blue. the air is cool and crisp. the sunrise was inspired.
i sit in a cubicle today. i work at a computer. i write words few will read. i am uninspired.
there are better things in this life.
she is sleeping. she is beautiful. she breaks my heart. she is inspiration.
there are better things in this life.
it is the little things that get to me.
the little squeaky noises she makes when she stretches, yawning and tired.
the inflection of her happy greeting.
the stray brown curls above her ears that defy her control.
her smile. her compassion. her laugh.
her eyes break me.
are there better things in this life?
my mind says yes. the rest of me weeps in defiance.
could i love another so?
perhaps.
i have never felt this way before.
who am i to declare such a thing eternal?
but i would.
give me a crown and call me the king of fools, i would.
it wouldn't be my first mistake.
i insist it would not be my last.
there are better things in this life.
and beyond.
the flesh is temporary. emotion is fleeting.
lust is a drug. its promises are vicious lies.
infatuation is fuel. it burns hot and fades. it will always fade.
but oh, the heat!
love is...
...a decision.
love is the movement.
my love, say the word and i will move.
my Lord, say the word and i will leave it all.
but the silence is my agony.
here is my unrepentant desire.
i am the deaf boy.
and still i listen to the voices of the blind men.
i long for music. i crave her smile.
i crave her smile.
there are better things.