if i ever

if i ever knew just how you love me
if i understood the way you feel
if i ever called just at the right time
i might know what i'm supposed to do

if i ever saw the view from your side
if i only knew all of the truth
if i could hold my gaze at your eyes
i might always agree with you

but i'm calloused on the inside
i've been crooked way down deep
i am used to just pretending
that i'm as good as i can be

if i ever told you how i love you
if i could ever show the way i feel
if i can stand naked before you
i might have your point of view

but i am calloused on the inside
for so long crooked way down deep
and i'm used to just pretending
that i'm as good as i can be

save me jesus, kill me quickly
i must die a thousand times
before i will believe you love me
before i stop buying my own lies

these words fall easily from my lips
like so many words before
but have i ever really meant them
if i never love you any more

someday i'll see the bigger picture
and not this dim and mirrored view
but until then i'm just trusting
that you love me and i love you

still i'm calloused on the inside
i'm still crooked way down deep
i'm just trying not to pretend
that i'm as good as i can be