looking out at spokane snow

december 24.
while looking out at spokane snow.

you know, as i sit here looking out at the night,
it's hard to really grasp what it means to be just minutes away from christmas.
it's like i'm standing on the doorstep of a house i've been in so many times before,
and yet each year of late, i find myself mystified by it.
i'm filled with sweet nostalgia,
memories of yuletides long gone,
and a love for the simple traditions buried beneath this commercial, materialistic holiday.
and yet, the present thrills me none at all.
does age equate to cynicism?
i now only seem to find wonder in the memories of childhood.
it seems i desire this season and all its trimmings to conjure up these cheery phantoms of what was.
but it will never be the same.
as i think now,
i find in my heart a growing longing to be a father.
to be a parent watching the wonder and joy of my own children
at the mystery, magic, and love of christmas.
as if it were a piece of myself experiencing it all again for the first time.
i guess that is what christmas is about... kids.
it began with one child.
the greatest gift sprung from the greatest love.
and now every year we give gifts to each other in love.
and parents watch their little gifts from God wonder at the magic of it all,
and we remember what it was to be that starry-eyed kid.
and i hope that everyone... everyone,
breathes a deep thank you for the God who came as a child beneath a star.


attic window

walking back down the streets of my home
of a childhood long ago
i remember the smiles and laughter
and i remember feeling alone

there sits a child on the porch step
i see tears roll down his face
they remind me of the ocean
and the songs she used to sing

there's a window in the attic
and there's no light on in the hall
and somehow they remind me
of where my heart was scared to go

there are church bells in the distance
but no echo in the snow
and the silence is an omen
of all the things i do not know

i'm looking back down the road i've traveled
i see footprints in the snow
some have held to the straight and narrow
some have wandered to and fro

and the moonlight fades
but the moon won't change
and the night wind takes me home
to a place where i
learned to justify
all the things i do not show

and the memory fades
but the past won't change
and she said, "grace, in time, does grow"
so on a pillow of mercy
i rest my brow
and dream of letting go


after death

my grandfather died.

a bittersweet journey it seems though mayhaps a test as well indeed they are the same and both it must be a passing moment of beginning and decision stretched in time to fill our lives what a strange and wonderful thing it is to simply be and then... what? eternity awaits us it seems but what sort of thing is that another moment perhaps not passing and stretching just simply being unfollowed unchanging and yet still what is its nature pain, joy, or void surely the void is no moment at all and so if there should be a moment beyond that which passes then it must be good or evil but which here in this season of time i have felt both and both are within me it is in the decision that my eternity is chosen but how decided? is it the greater joy or sorrow felt or the greater given i should hope it is the given for it is only ourselves of which we have any control and yet here too our hope fails if the smallest evil given should keep eternal joy at bay for all have evil within i can only then find hope in a Saviour...


the treetops

april 13, 1999

do you ever see the treetops?
watch them dancing in the wind?
hear their silence on a still night?
or their screams when no one's there?

do you wonder at the green grass?
ever-growing beneath the sky.
it has no worries, no tomorrows,
feels no fear, says no goodbyes.

and in this place where springtime gathers,
winters fall and summers fade
into years of constant changing,
days of sun and months of rain.

and yet i see about me,
one thing which still remains.
a beauty! no, a laughter
beneath the soil, above the rain.

laughter sprung from joy unending
and satisfaction in today.